What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 01:58
Especially a lifetime of it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was scared of men, in general
Why did i forgive my father ?
He knew the spot.
What have I done wrong? How can I start over?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Why did lobsters evolve bright colors if they are neither poisonous nor venomous?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I waited trembling.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Do Flat Earthers exist today? If so, where do they live?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We all went to grammer schools
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Was to survive, this bastard.
When she asked me how she looked .
So, i spoilt her more .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were not on the streets..
My life is so biszare .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i lived it daily.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was in good health!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She found it foreign!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She married twice! .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Who then, do I blame.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
What did i know ?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is soul school!.
Would this be the day?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Ive learnt so much.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Put me off passion for life!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I have no regrets .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was 9 years of age.
One cannot live in the past .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I don,t even have a pension.
I said to her
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was seconnd youngest,
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I couldn’t, believe it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He resisted the act ,that day.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My family never makes their pension either.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
All the time i was locked up.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I will be 64.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She wouldn,t have been !
He was dying to do it , i knew.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But it wasn’t much.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
(And it was in our own minds.)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was very sick at this time too.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So whats the point in blame.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I think the readers, may guess!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Comes on , in middle age.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im still living with it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It was going to be , some day.
But, we were locked up after school.